Mediations #16: Transforming Complaints into Actions
Transform complaints into action by asking, 'What do you expect from me?' Foster trust and focus on outcomes in your team.
During one-on-ones or team meetings, people sometimes complain endlessly. Managers struggle to understand how to respond to their direct reports’ complaints. They become people’s venting sponges, having no idea how to react or take action on most complaints.
I’ve been in that place, and I know I’m not alone. I’ve also complained a lot to my managers. Some of them also had no idea what to do. I know it because I remember their faces. They looked calm. They tried to hide their frustration. They tried to listen to me and took my heat off about a topic that didn’t matter a week later.
I also listen to people’s complaints inside and outside of my team. As much as I try to listen compassionately, my mind wanders while I wait for my turn to ask a question. Most of the time, I ask a few questions to understand the person’s feelings and thoughts better. However, I sometimes ask ONE question to kick people out of their complaining cycle.
Not because I get tired of listening to them but because it’s my job (as a manager) to keep the focus on the outcomes while understanding people’s needs. Endlessly complaining has no outcomes. Zero.
Once I discovered one simple question that stops people’s complaints and remarkably moves them to a productive zone, I tested it on myself.
When I caught myself complaining to my manager, I stopped. I answered that one question internally and told my manager, “Complaining doesn’t bring any value; here is what I will do about this issue that I care about a lot: I’ll do X, then Y. If it goes well, Z will be the next.”
I realized that my complaints always had an underlying reason. When I asked myself that one question, I auto-magically tried to find what that reason was. Many managers fail to find the root cause because they rarely focus on truly understanding the person. For example, when someone constantly complains about never getting a chance to rewrite the legacy code, they often have another reason underneath. They may fear falling behind industry standards, which may create insecurity in their future, or they might feel that people don’t trust them.
Now, I tested the same question; I began asking my direct reports.
The question is, “What do you expect from me?”
When someone on my team starts complaining a lot, I ask, “What do you expect from me?” When I complain too much to my manager, I put myself in their shoes and ask, “What do I expect from my manager?” Then, I dive deep and try to understand what I really care about and what I need because if I’m going to ask my manager for something, it has to be worth it.
When I ask my team members the question, sometimes they answer, “Nothing. I’m just venting; I needed to take the heat off.” That’s great! Now, I know that’s what they expect, and I keep listening. However, the answer is often something else.
With that question, we open a conversation and start digging to find out what the person cares about. I once had an engineer on my team who was very unhappy about many decisions in the organization. I asked the same question while they were complaining. Their answer was, “Can you help me make my concerns visible because I don’t have the forum to do it myself?” Through our conversation, I realized that they cared about accountability. Back then, a manager could get away with many bad decisions. For them, it wasn’t about any bad decision itself; it was about the dynamics of the organization. They didn’t have a voice or a forum to raise a concern. What we did was set up a meeting with the C-level.
Today, I sometimes complain to my manager, and my team does the same to me. Complaining shows that we care about what we are doing; it’s a very human thing. But when it gets too much and is not actionable, it becomes frustrating, especially for managers. A simple question can sometimes change a lot of things. A slight nudge to others can change the whole team’s mood. But don’t forget: this question requires trust and asking with curiosity.
If the manager asks it with frustration, the team will close their communication doors. Even if the manager is frustrated, that frustration has to be hidden. The question should come from a place of genuine curiosity and be asked in a trustful environment. Without these preconditions, it’s doomed to fail.
Next time you complain to your manager (or anyone in your life, really), ask yourself what you expect from the person listening to you. Even if you don’t answer loudly, this will help you clarify your thoughts and expectations, which will definitely lead to a happier and calmer life. If you find the answer, let the other person know as well so they don’t get frustrated.