Mediations #37: What's true friendship for you?

A true friend is the one who randomly calls or rings your doorbell.

Mediations is a newsletter I write for software engineers and leaders but I never focus solely on software engineering. This is a newsletter for humans trying to mediate the challenges life presents, so the topics are as wide as it gets.

In the last few newsletters, I talked a lot about AI. While it’s both bothering me and making me feel excited, it’s not the only challenge I face. There is a bigger question in my head over the last year or two.

A while ago, I put myself way outside my comfort zone and decided to join a meetup on friendship. If I want to describe my experience, I wouldn’t use any other word than “weird”. We were around forty people gathered in a potluck dinner across three long tables in a private space.

While we ate and talked about different stages of friendship, I kept thinking about the single question the organizer asked at the beginning for everyone to answer in turn.

“What’s true friendship for you?”

Although I was still confused that the meetup started with a body stretch (followed by this question) while the food was laid out on the table, the question turned out to be the one I had been avoiding for quite some time.

I answered with,

“A true friend just calls without either of us feeling weird about it. Nobody is calling anymore. The most you get from someone these days is a voice message. Nobody is spontaneously ringing your doorbell anymore. The true friend is the one who feels comfortable ringing your doorbell unannounced, and you are happy to see them, not surprised that they didn’t call up front.”

Many people later told me that it was spot on and they felt heard.

It was surprising to me because I thought I was the only one thinking that a true friend could “knock on the best friend’s door and neither would be surprised.”

Yet, it’s not acceptable anymore.

Everyone is busy with themselves (or with their AIs). Although I observe that the in-person meetings and meetups are soaring, the true friendships are often neglected. Everyone has their hobbies, self-care rituals, or chilling at home after a tiring week of work. Everyone has to schedule a catch-up week or two in advance, or you must share some of your hobbies. Otherwise, you can’t see anyone.

Maybe this is coming with age, but I doubt that. I know many people have kids and responsibilities they can’t avoid or neglect. Often these responsibilities are under some schedules that can’t be adjusted. But I observe that many singles are also living under somewhat strict schedules for themselves.

I’m also falling into the same bucket. You know, while everyone around is busy with themselves, you also start to get busy with yourself.

I think this trend started before, but accelerated with COVID. We found ways to enjoy the time we spent alone and at home with our hobbies during the COVID years. During those two years, we built our muscles (also our workstations) to adapt to a different life. We also began noticing others doing the same. The phone calls turned into voice messages (if you send one that is longer than two minutes, people call it a podcast), and text messages turned into sending a meme in an Instagram DM.

Somehow, we can’t demand our good friend’s attention right away while they doomscroll on Instagram. We can’t expect anyone to ring our doorbell while doing nothing substantial at home.

Our friendships, these days, depend on bits of information from Instagram stories and social media DMs, so we can share experiences and form or strengthen our relationships.

I observe that the crumble of information our relationships depend on neither makes anyone feel full, nor pushes for a starvation for closeness. What surprises me most is that many people act as if this amount of friendship or closeness is enough until they hear my answer to that question.

For me, though, it’s often not enough. Although I need my alone moments from time to time to clear my head and recharge my energy, good friendships have always been at the center of my life. I usually valued my chosen family more than my birth family (I know my parents are not reading this, it’s okay to admit it).

I’m sharing this with you because, as software engineers, we typically spend quite a bit of time alone in front of a computer (or phone or tablet). But it’s crucial to ask ourselves from time to time and to remember what true friendship means. It helps to set expectations with our friends and understand their expectations of us.

So, what’s true friendship for you? Reply to this email or leave a comment.

P.S. I also have friends who feel more comfortable alone, who are introverted or who need good planning. I’m keeping these people separate.

P.P.S. It’s also funny that I joined that weird meetup and never talked with anyone from that group again.

Good to Great

I share up to three things I found interesting, sorted from good to great.

Good: I’m not here to claim that I know how to form good friendships. But this post has some good ideas if you want some practical advice on how to make emotionally intelligent friendships. I like reading Eric’s posts on Barking Up The Wrong Tree from time to time.

Better: It’s a good reminder to everyone that the creative work requires humbleness, and a prerequisite for humbleness is being more than okay with looking stupid. Well written.

Great: A 9-year-old blog post by John Salvatier, but a very good one. It’s also a crucial reminder in the AI age that reality has a surprising amount of detail that needs to be discovered to do something right.

Do you have suggestions for great things? Send me a message(or reply to this email).

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